It's funny, I begged people to read my blog the other day because I wanted to get some dialogue about the whole Christian pop culture thing (the DJ urging prayer for American Idol winner which is now even crazier with Jon and Kate). It was one of the few posts in which I didn't spend much, if any, time on my anxiety and depression issues. That said, there were a number of responses about my "issues," and I want to say thanks to those who took time and were concerned enough to offer me some insight and some encouragement. I also want to update a bit.
I think the reason the post was not about my internal journey is that I seem to be doing better than I have in a long time. To the person who asked about Cognitive Behavior Therapy, that seems to be the catalyst for some real help. I have been seeing a therapist who specializes in this method/treatment and he has helped me face down some of the fears that were keeping me in turmoil. I have not had an anxiety attack in a couple of months (give or take) and have been doing well enough that the psychiatrist agreed to step me off the depression meds, which she believes weren't helping me much anyway. I know it is early and that this taking thoughts captive thing is a process that has to continue for a much longer time, but I am amazed at how much better things are going. Outward circumstances are still crazy: my grandma's health is still uncertain, we have to travel again this weekend, my thesis is still trying to be written, our oldest is moving out Monday, next week is the final week of school for the other two kids, Carol leaves for Colorado on the 12th, and we load up and head out on the 18th. Still no jobs, although Carol may be interviewing with a school in Colorado Springs in the next few days. So it isn't that life has miraculously gotten less crazy for us. But the way I do life is significantly changing.
So, again, thanks to those of you who took time to respond. I appreciate your concerns and your prayers. I hope someday to pay it forward to another person who has ended up at a similar place in their journey.
Grace and peace to you all.
About Me
- pjbronco
- Spent nine months as a teacher in an urban high school and LOVED it! Unfortunately, school funding issues led to my unplanned departure. Looking to find the next job. Any ideas?
3 comments:
Joe I am glad that you are doing well enough to come off the depression meds!! That is awesome! I remembered the name of the place that I got the "program" from. The founder is Lucinda Basset from the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety...in case you are interested. While it is not called CBT I do believe that is what it is. She stresses medication free treatment. However, I was SO far gone that I had to have medication.
The phych told me that it is sometimes difficult to determine what came first...the anxiety or the depression. For me the anxiety has gotten so much better. I was able to come off my meds for almost a year at one point. I did not have any panic attacks, however I was really depressed. I have been on antidepressants since 1999. I look at it this was, it is a chemical imbalance - if I were a diabetic I would need my insulin to correct that imbalance...so the antidepressants are my insulin. Pretty weird analogy but it works!!
There is a saying that goes "what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger". You are already strong...look at all you have accomplished. This period in your life will help make you a better person, a stronger person than you ar right now...trust me, you will get the chance to pay it forward at some point.
My therapist had told me to journal my way through te depression and anxiety. I wrote every night, it is really something to go back and re-read those entries. I am guessing that bblogging is your way of journaling.
I forgot to mention something important in my earlier post. I learned that anxiety and panic attacks are familial - they run in families. Chances are that your mom and/or dad suffer (or suffered) from panic attacks. In my case both my parent and my paternal granmother suffered with them - it is just that no one really talked about it. Scientists are not sure if it is a learned behavior or genetic or a bit of both. People who have been sexually abused are also more likely to suffer from panic attacks.
One day very soon you will be able to knock that stupid little man off your shoulder...you know the one that sits there and monitors your bodily functions. He whispers in your ear that your heart rate is too fast and you are sweating and feeling dizzy...wonder what that means. You know that little man - right? Next time he starts talking or whispering...squash him like a bug!!!
Do take care. God bless you and your family!
I was inspired to comment because of your post, "Solo, Unauditioned" on Tuesday, April 14, 2009. I've been stuck in that state-of-mind and felt the same way too many times. I wasn't sure if you would have checked comments from older posts, so I commented on your most recent one.
It sounds like you have a realistic outlook and are beginning to turn the corner. Congrats! Please keep us posted.
Warm regards,
P.S. My story. I've been responding well to a therapist using CBT, which has basically consisted of me identifying and correcting my distorted thoughts and participating in some exposure experiments to cure specific avoidance behaviors (I've found that chronic avoidance leads to my depression). It has been very liberating.
My therapist says that eventually I will find redundancy with my distorted thoughts--that I will come up with a "Greatest Hits" collection, if you will. At that point, I hope to have a mental cheat sheet of counterpoints to quickly address the distortions creeping in to my mind before anxiety or depression can set in.
A book my therapist has recently recommended to complement CBT is Alice Miller's "The Drama of the Gifted Child". (The phrase "Gifted Child" is not referring to a precocious or exceptionally intelligent child.) It is to help me explore the learning history of my anxiety. The idea is that by becoming educated as to how my difficult thoughts and feelings arose, I can develop self-empathy, which will reduce my self-blame and shame and may help expedite my transformation.
*I think Miller believes that adult anxiety and depression can be a consequence of acute negative experiences--e.g. violent shaming and punishment, including spanking--during early cognitive development.I don't take a strong stance on whether our adult behavior is learned or genetic*. As a patient, I don't know that it matters what we think. What is important is that the help we're getting is working and that if it is not working, we're willing to try something else.
*I think some healthy skepticism is warranted here, given that treatment of anxiety and depression has become a big business. Business folks--including Big Pharma and therapists--may be apt to voice opinions that will help their bottom line rather than help patients.
hey, I just wanted you to know that I loved having you in church on Sunday and I praise God for the example that you have been, and continue to be for me. I really don't think we would be doing what we are doing as a church if it weren't for the foundation that you started to lay before us. I also don't think I would be where I am, spiritually and physically if it weren't for you, so thanks. By the way, I hope you don't mind but I am already making plans to come stay with you guys in CO when we go on vacation there, whenever that happens, that truly is God's country!
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