I'm about ten days out from having successfully defended my Master's thesis. I honestly did not think it would ever happen as I was pretty sure if I ever finished the text there was no way they would ever approve it. But I passed, and it was really a lot of fun. The defense with my committee was encouraging and invigorating--I really enjoyed the meeting. Go figure.
So, now I'm home in Colorado (wow, that never gets old!) and trying to discern the next step in the journey of the rest of my life. Here is what I know: I haven't got a bloody clue!!!! I really want to teach, but am unsure as to the best path toward teaching. College? That would be fantastic but at the moment seems unrealistic since there aren't a lot of communication courses offered in the area community colleges. High school? I could live with that but will have to do some extra steps to get there and am not sure how long that will take. Non-profit? I have applied to some and am supposedly still a candidate for one position but it doesn't energize me like teaching does. I just don't feel any closer to an answer than I was a year ago or two years ago. And the beat goes on.
On the church front, we have settled--at least for a season--at Mountain Community Mennonite Church in Palmer Lake. Way outside my realm of experience but it really meshes with where I am internally at this point in my life. I can be present with the group without serious chest pain and anxiety attacks which is a huge bonus. The kids enjoy it and Carol is working to figure out her feelings about it. My friend Art, back in Minnesota, wanted me to convert the church where I was pastor to a "peace church," and I let him know that was not possible. Now, however, I am a part of a peace church that is focused like a laser beam on reconciliation.
I think the most difficult thing in life right now (outside of having no money and no prospects) is the realization that people see me as broken or that they don't understand why I can't just "snap out of it" and get on with life: Finish the thesis! Get a job! Act like an adult! Man up! And to them I say, "I wish it was that easy." I don't understand why I get paralyzed and afraid. I don't know how to get beyond the anxiety and move forward with my life. I really wish I did. Still, there is a level of shame when I have to face those to whom I am intricately connected and know that they think I am dogging it and that I could do better if I would just try. Believe me, I'm trying. Sometimes the trying just about kills me. Maybe a time is coming when it gets better--in fact, right now may be better than a while back was--but I can't predict it and I'm not sure I can control it. Sorry.
So I continue to plod forward with the occasional--or maybe regular--detour. I'm terrified but holding onto a glimmer of hope that better times are ahead. It is the best I have to offer right now.
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Hi pjbronco. I appreciate that you are sharing your life with the world. I hope expressing your frustration is somehow therapeutic for you. Cathartic? I doubt you believe it is an act of courage because you feel desperate, but I think it is courageous and demonstrates you feel there is something better out there for you.
I have been mired in depression and anxiety for a good part of my life. I can relate to many of your posts on the topic, hence my comments. I have only recently taken steps to address these feelings. I believe strongly that I am on the right track in my goal of being transformed into a confident and productive human being that no longer needs all this introspection to function. It is going to take some time to unlearn many of my behavioral habits, but I think it can be done. My wish is for you to continue to seek out help where you can. You're clearly an intelligent person with a family that loves you--that's very good incentive for you to commit to seeing this through. But ultimately, you should choose to do this for you. You are inherently worthy of the life you desire. There are other humans out there that are content with--if not enjoying--their productivity at work; they have fun playing and they maintain meaningful and happy relationships with friends and family. Why not you and me? I'm still coming to grips with the idea that "I'm worthy", but it is starting to make sense. Like I said, there's a lot of unlearning that needs to take place for this to really sink in.
My situation seems dire too. I'm married but my wife is living in Europe, patiently waiting for me to finish a project here in the States that was supposed to be finished two years ago. She's been unbelievably tolerant of my procrastination. I will need to learn a foreign language and get a job in Europe in the near future...and my résumé isn't that stellar. I generally live with the feeling that in life, I'm hanging by a thread. I've gotten so used to it that it isn't even a startling feeling anymore. Let's just say I'll notice it when it is gone.
I anonymously responded to a few of your posts this past summer. I recommended looking into David Burns' books on cognitive therapy--perhaps that jars your memory. I was fortunate to find a psychologist that was a "good fit" for me this past summer. I now have a good grasp of the etiology of my depression and anxiety. The depression is from simply not being productive or frustration from spinning my wheels and not getting where I want to go in life. The anxiety is from me being afraid of my works being criticized (projects and papers, but also non-academic stuff too). This leads to extreme anal-retentiveness and procrastination and other undesirable--and at times unprofessional--behavior. So yeah, I can't wait to fix all this. I've made good progress on the depression front. The anxiety over criticism is a larger hurdle. From what I can tell, the goal is for me to make measurable changes in my productivity (via adjustments in my cognitive behavior and practical tools I've picked up from another procrastination expert). To really believe in my gut that I have inherent self-worth comes later after experiencing "failures" that don't kill me or my reputation, etc. This seems kind of backwards, but evidently that's how unlearning happens.
So I just want to encourage you to keep searching. Feel free to contact me if you'd like some non-judgmental support from an email pen-pal--my email link is located on my user profile. I would also be willing to gift a few self-help books to you from Amazon.com if you're strapped for cash, preferably those authored by psychology PhDs. (I'm over the shame of strolling through the self-help sections. Whatever helps, right? Plus, some of those books are very good.)
Sincerely,
Tom
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