Seems appropriate that I sit here to write this post on Friday the 13th, as that seems to be the day that best represents me. Yet another rejection letter from a potential employer arrived today. "We had numerous qualified candidates apply for the position. You are not one of them. Good luck at Sam's Club!" When will I ever learn to stop getting my hopes up?
I went back to school, spent a lot of money, time and effort to improve myself and get an advanced degree. Now, after having gotten the degree, I find myself further behind than I was before. No job and more debt. Lovely. What is my problem? I will be 45 in a couple of weeks and am going to start a part-time, entry-level job with no future. I fried my brain trying to be a pastor and can not return to that field, no matter what. Yet, it seems to be the only kind of work for which I am considered qualified.
I face the specter of spending the rest of my life in menial, barely-better-than-minimum-wage jobs and watching my wife work herself to death to support us. How do I face her...not just now, but twenty years from now? How can I handle knowing my kids will have to fend for themselves because their dad just isn't capable of earning a living? My oldest is already in over her head because I am not able to help her get through college, which every parent is supposed to do and supposed to be capable of doing.
My parents and my wife tell me that I am not what I see myself as. How can they not see the truth after all these years? Their investment in me seems to blind them to the reality of the situation. I offer nothing of value to this world. I hate myself and the mess I am making of the lives of those about whom I care deeply. I am so sorry to have dragged my family into this mess. I wish they could get a mulligan.
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1 comment:
You seem to be apprizing the value of yourself using external things or situations as metrics. Regardless of your debt and current job situation, you have value. You are entitled to happiness as much as any other human walking the globe--just by merely existing. A hard concept to swallow, I'm sure. It is ingrained in some of us early on that we increase our inherent value by what we make or do. That is BS. It is also a pattern of thinking that is hard--but not impossible--to unlearn.
Your post is packed with cognitive distortions. Learning to identify them will help you immensely.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
Here's a free online resource:
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/faq
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