Blogging confirms many of the poor thoughts I have about myself...especially the ones that have to do with being undisciplined and disorganized. It has been over five months since I last wrote. How does that happen? I enjoy writing, so why don't I, why can't I, write? I guess part of it could be my reason for writing. Am I writing for others to read, in the hope that they will enjoy and comment? Am I writing for profundity, that the world will be awestruck by my deep thoughts (sound of crickets chirping)? Or am I writing to help bring my soul to light and life? Perhaps if I could truly engage the my heart and soul in my writing I would write more often and more consistently.
Life is not horrible these days. I like teaching. I love the kids. I also fight the battle against anxiety on a regular basis, as I get locked up trying to plan or grade. I keep waiting for the day to come when I am exposed to the world as a complete fraud. I want to make a difference, I want to impact the part of the world I work in, I want my coworkers to like and respect me. I feel insignificant and phony. Finding peace with the demons inside me is a process I have not yet mastered. I realize I am whiny. I realize there are people in the world, students in my classroom, with real problems...the ones that aren't just self-inflicted and overinflated. Just wish I could find the escape hatch from my constant overanalysis and self-absorption. We'll see.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
What is Art?
Got the chance last weekend to go to Minnesota and see my daughter in her college's production of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. It was the first musical the school has done in at least a decade and I have to say that it was a lot of fun and the cast was really good. Emilee knocked it out of the park. I can't believe how much she has grown as a singer and an actress. She manages to capture the nuances of her character in ways that many at her age and with her experience are seriously lacking. She really understands, and gets how to convey, what is happening in Olive's mind. Unfortunately, that may be because she grew up with a little too much of Olive's experience.
The musical raised a question for me, however. Does a work of art (music, literature, visual, whatever) become more sophisticated if it is more profane? That seems to be the accepted truth among those "in the know." There were two different versions of the performance of this musical--one that was family friendlier and "G" rated, the other considered "R" rated. We were supposed to see both versions, but since there were no children in the audience on the opening night, they went with the raunchier version. The second night, advertised as "R" rated, had a much bigger audience and much more buzz in the theater before it started. It was generally a much younger audience. And if you were not present and just listening, you might think there were cue cards up front telling the audience when to respond with oohs and whistles. It was louder and more raucous. Which is fine, I guess.
Here is the issue, though. This story really looks into serious issues of childhood and family relationships. It explores how the pressures we put on our children affects the ways they view themselves and the way they view the way the world views them. One "boy" suffers with attention deficit issues and is convinced by his family that he is stupid. A girl senses the pressure from her dads to win, to succeed, and the devastation of coming in third causes her to believe that she has failed and that the world will hate her for it. Another is a social misfit who has great difficulty interacting with others. One girl is an overachiever who has to come to grips with how she wants to deal with expectations. Emilee played a girl whose parents are absent and at odds. She feels alone and abandoned and believes that somehow the dysfunction of her parents' relationship is her fault. These are HUGE issues that the musical handled really poignantly and with enough humor to make it bearable. Unfortunately, when they added the raunchiness, I don't think the audience was paying any attention to the real story of the play. Something was lost. Some innuendo and balanced humor make it quirky and unpredictable. Absolute profanity (especially unrealistic profanity--they were portraying twelve year olds, who swear to prove they are "big," but don't use the language in the ways demonstrated in this musical) seems to appeal to baser instincts in the audience and causes them to miss the learning moment such a treatment can create.
George Carlin was hailed as a genius for mocking society's conventions and showing how flawed we were by using the seven dirty words you can't say on television or radio. In the intervening years, society has become coarser in its language and behavior and it is no longer mocking convention to use hardcore profanity and to shock with songs about erections. Mocking convention would be doing a fantastic story like this in ways that appeal to the common decency of humans rather than the common coarseness. That's what I think, at least. I would love to hear how others respond. And if Emilee reads this, I think you were wonderful. I just don't want you to be sucked into the idea that in order to do quality work we must do work that is profane and base. I love you Olive.
The musical raised a question for me, however. Does a work of art (music, literature, visual, whatever) become more sophisticated if it is more profane? That seems to be the accepted truth among those "in the know." There were two different versions of the performance of this musical--one that was family friendlier and "G" rated, the other considered "R" rated. We were supposed to see both versions, but since there were no children in the audience on the opening night, they went with the raunchier version. The second night, advertised as "R" rated, had a much bigger audience and much more buzz in the theater before it started. It was generally a much younger audience. And if you were not present and just listening, you might think there were cue cards up front telling the audience when to respond with oohs and whistles. It was louder and more raucous. Which is fine, I guess.
Here is the issue, though. This story really looks into serious issues of childhood and family relationships. It explores how the pressures we put on our children affects the ways they view themselves and the way they view the way the world views them. One "boy" suffers with attention deficit issues and is convinced by his family that he is stupid. A girl senses the pressure from her dads to win, to succeed, and the devastation of coming in third causes her to believe that she has failed and that the world will hate her for it. Another is a social misfit who has great difficulty interacting with others. One girl is an overachiever who has to come to grips with how she wants to deal with expectations. Emilee played a girl whose parents are absent and at odds. She feels alone and abandoned and believes that somehow the dysfunction of her parents' relationship is her fault. These are HUGE issues that the musical handled really poignantly and with enough humor to make it bearable. Unfortunately, when they added the raunchiness, I don't think the audience was paying any attention to the real story of the play. Something was lost. Some innuendo and balanced humor make it quirky and unpredictable. Absolute profanity (especially unrealistic profanity--they were portraying twelve year olds, who swear to prove they are "big," but don't use the language in the ways demonstrated in this musical) seems to appeal to baser instincts in the audience and causes them to miss the learning moment such a treatment can create.
George Carlin was hailed as a genius for mocking society's conventions and showing how flawed we were by using the seven dirty words you can't say on television or radio. In the intervening years, society has become coarser in its language and behavior and it is no longer mocking convention to use hardcore profanity and to shock with songs about erections. Mocking convention would be doing a fantastic story like this in ways that appeal to the common decency of humans rather than the common coarseness. That's what I think, at least. I would love to hear how others respond. And if Emilee reads this, I think you were wonderful. I just don't want you to be sucked into the idea that in order to do quality work we must do work that is profane and base. I love you Olive.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Something Old, Something New
How do I manage to go so long without writing? I watched a documentary of Anne LaMott's "Bird by Bird" the other night, and one of the things she emphasizes--as do many others--is to set aside time each day to write. I seem to set aside time each quarter! That said, here I am for today. Spring break has begun and I find myself needing to work and loathe to do much of anything. I am tired, nearly exhausted, and having a hard time getting my feeble brain to focus. I will, however, have lesson plans and serious direction for next quarter set up by the end of the week.
While I am enjoying teaching (usually), I am really feeling an escalation of the good old anxiety issues over the past few weeks. Not sure what is causing it, but it gets to me and becomes somewhat paralyzing at times. I find myself back to those fears of being exposed...that if the folks who employ me really knew what my capabilities are, they would fire me on the spot. Why does this thought haunt me in all facets of my life? Others seem confident of their abilities and knowledge; yet no matter how many people tell me that I am intelligent and capable, I see myself as an idiot who is fooling the world somehow and on the verge of being found out. I have to take a subject area test this summer sometime and find myself terrified that I will fail it miserably and immediately be out of work. I hate that I think like this, yet find it comes quite naturally and is difficult (nearly impossible) to purge from my brain.
That seems to be about it for today. Talk to you all in about a month!
While I am enjoying teaching (usually), I am really feeling an escalation of the good old anxiety issues over the past few weeks. Not sure what is causing it, but it gets to me and becomes somewhat paralyzing at times. I find myself back to those fears of being exposed...that if the folks who employ me really knew what my capabilities are, they would fire me on the spot. Why does this thought haunt me in all facets of my life? Others seem confident of their abilities and knowledge; yet no matter how many people tell me that I am intelligent and capable, I see myself as an idiot who is fooling the world somehow and on the verge of being found out. I have to take a subject area test this summer sometime and find myself terrified that I will fail it miserably and immediately be out of work. I hate that I think like this, yet find it comes quite naturally and is difficult (nearly impossible) to purge from my brain.
That seems to be about it for today. Talk to you all in about a month!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Standardized Tests and Nonstandardized Students
I have been meaning to write this for a week, but it seems other things keep popping up that are more important. You know, things like...LEARNING HOW TO BE A TEACHER!! Last Tuesday (and again tomorrow) it was my job to proctor standardized tests in the computer lab. All six of my classes spent an hour on the computers doing tests which may or may not tell us much of anything about them. My role was to act as an encourager and accountability partner while they did the tests and then review their scores with each student upon completion of the exam to see if they should take another shot at it. I am thrilled to report that my students did exceedingly well on the tests! Tomorrow, they have to take the reading section. I am sure they will be overjoyed.
The idea of sixty students taking the same test with the same teacher forced me to consider my kids as a group and also as individuals. Some sat down and knocked out the test with no complaint or delay. Others were a bit more challenging. One kept falling asleep. I woke him up three or four times during the hour and prodded him to stay with it at other times. Of course, upon completion, I discovered that he had done quite well on the test. It figures! One girl got an "average" score and wasn't happy with it. She took it again and did twelve points better. Her face lit up when we reviewed things together after her second attempt.
The moral of the story? I am required to teach in ways that give us the best chance of showing improvement on standardized tests. I love to teach because each student is an individual with a life both in and outside our classroom and our building. In one short month, I have become deeply attached to the individuals who grace my classes and the larger mosaic they are creating. It only took forty-five years for me to be allowed to do that thing for which I was created. As I reviewed repeatedly in our media literacy unit: ba da da da da...I'M LOVIN' IT!!
The idea of sixty students taking the same test with the same teacher forced me to consider my kids as a group and also as individuals. Some sat down and knocked out the test with no complaint or delay. Others were a bit more challenging. One kept falling asleep. I woke him up three or four times during the hour and prodded him to stay with it at other times. Of course, upon completion, I discovered that he had done quite well on the test. It figures! One girl got an "average" score and wasn't happy with it. She took it again and did twelve points better. Her face lit up when we reviewed things together after her second attempt.
The moral of the story? I am required to teach in ways that give us the best chance of showing improvement on standardized tests. I love to teach because each student is an individual with a life both in and outside our classroom and our building. In one short month, I have become deeply attached to the individuals who grace my classes and the larger mosaic they are creating. It only took forty-five years for me to be allowed to do that thing for which I was created. As I reviewed repeatedly in our media literacy unit: ba da da da da...I'M LOVIN' IT!!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Teaching Gig
Two months have passed and much of life has changed. In November, I was unemployed and muddling along. Since the last post, I have been hired twice and am working in my dream job. That's right, I am officially teaching. I went to grad school with the hope of teaching in a college setting and thought that is where I would end up. The more involved in the reconciliation conversation I became, the more obvious it was to me that I needed to teach in a school that would allow me to be involved in touching lives that might otherwise be forgotten. And now that opportunity has been afforded me.
I am entering my third week teaching Language Arts at the New America School's Denver campus. Our campus is considered "high-risk" and approximately 65 percent of our students have dropped out of other schools. What I have found is a group of students who have a hard time dealing with life in the structures of "normal" American school systems but are smart and engaging when given the opportunity. Unfortunately, many of these students will likely fall through the cracks as they have involved themselves in behaviors and lifestyles that will make success difficult: gangs, parenthood, drugs and alcohol, etc.
While I love what I am doing, pretty much every minute that I am not with students is spent wondering if I am going to be exposed as a fraud...that what I have always wanted to do will prove to be more than I am capable of doing. There is so much that I don't know and trying to learn to teach on the fly is definitely a challenge. I genuinely hope this works out as I love it more than anything I have ever done. Still, there are no guarantees. The road ahead is beautiful, yet treacherous. It could be an amazing journey or a horrifying crash! Too late to turn back though; I'm on my way!
I am entering my third week teaching Language Arts at the New America School's Denver campus. Our campus is considered "high-risk" and approximately 65 percent of our students have dropped out of other schools. What I have found is a group of students who have a hard time dealing with life in the structures of "normal" American school systems but are smart and engaging when given the opportunity. Unfortunately, many of these students will likely fall through the cracks as they have involved themselves in behaviors and lifestyles that will make success difficult: gangs, parenthood, drugs and alcohol, etc.
While I love what I am doing, pretty much every minute that I am not with students is spent wondering if I am going to be exposed as a fraud...that what I have always wanted to do will prove to be more than I am capable of doing. There is so much that I don't know and trying to learn to teach on the fly is definitely a challenge. I genuinely hope this works out as I love it more than anything I have ever done. Still, there are no guarantees. The road ahead is beautiful, yet treacherous. It could be an amazing journey or a horrifying crash! Too late to turn back though; I'm on my way!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday the 13th
Seems appropriate that I sit here to write this post on Friday the 13th, as that seems to be the day that best represents me. Yet another rejection letter from a potential employer arrived today. "We had numerous qualified candidates apply for the position. You are not one of them. Good luck at Sam's Club!" When will I ever learn to stop getting my hopes up?
I went back to school, spent a lot of money, time and effort to improve myself and get an advanced degree. Now, after having gotten the degree, I find myself further behind than I was before. No job and more debt. Lovely. What is my problem? I will be 45 in a couple of weeks and am going to start a part-time, entry-level job with no future. I fried my brain trying to be a pastor and can not return to that field, no matter what. Yet, it seems to be the only kind of work for which I am considered qualified.
I face the specter of spending the rest of my life in menial, barely-better-than-minimum-wage jobs and watching my wife work herself to death to support us. How do I face her...not just now, but twenty years from now? How can I handle knowing my kids will have to fend for themselves because their dad just isn't capable of earning a living? My oldest is already in over her head because I am not able to help her get through college, which every parent is supposed to do and supposed to be capable of doing.
My parents and my wife tell me that I am not what I see myself as. How can they not see the truth after all these years? Their investment in me seems to blind them to the reality of the situation. I offer nothing of value to this world. I hate myself and the mess I am making of the lives of those about whom I care deeply. I am so sorry to have dragged my family into this mess. I wish they could get a mulligan.
I went back to school, spent a lot of money, time and effort to improve myself and get an advanced degree. Now, after having gotten the degree, I find myself further behind than I was before. No job and more debt. Lovely. What is my problem? I will be 45 in a couple of weeks and am going to start a part-time, entry-level job with no future. I fried my brain trying to be a pastor and can not return to that field, no matter what. Yet, it seems to be the only kind of work for which I am considered qualified.
I face the specter of spending the rest of my life in menial, barely-better-than-minimum-wage jobs and watching my wife work herself to death to support us. How do I face her...not just now, but twenty years from now? How can I handle knowing my kids will have to fend for themselves because their dad just isn't capable of earning a living? My oldest is already in over her head because I am not able to help her get through college, which every parent is supposed to do and supposed to be capable of doing.
My parents and my wife tell me that I am not what I see myself as. How can they not see the truth after all these years? Their investment in me seems to blind them to the reality of the situation. I offer nothing of value to this world. I hate myself and the mess I am making of the lives of those about whom I care deeply. I am so sorry to have dragged my family into this mess. I wish they could get a mulligan.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Break in the Clouds
Well, despite all my anxiety and depression, it has been a pretty good week. Last Tuesday I received a letter of eligibility to begin looking for teaching jobs in Colorado schools. While there aren't exactly a ton of openings in October, I have until January to find a job and gain entry into the Teacher in Residence Program. Then we had our church retreat and it was a really good time. At the end of the retreat, Cole and I were invited to go to the Broncos/Patriots game with a new friend from our church. We had such a great time and I will always cherish the opportunity to go to my first pro football game with my son. The look on his face throughout the game was priceless. Then today I had a meeting/interview and was added to the substitute teacher at a local charter school. So I am getting into the process and figuring out how to go for the jobs that are available. And that is a really good first step. I have miles to go before I am healthy and back on my feet but at least I am making some progress.
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