Symptoms or Semantics

My friend responded to my last post with a comment that I was isolated, estranged, detached. I have been wrestling with those words in the days since. They are certainly descriptive of some of the symptoms I seem to be experiencing, but I'm not sure they are the core or the heart of the matter. I have come to believe that the word that best describes my life right now is dissonant. There are so many contradictory things going on that it can be really unnerving.

The days often seem to pass in a fog, with many lost hours and experiences. However, in the midst of this numbness is an acuity that is uncomfortable. I feel my skin, I feel the air pressing on me, every physical ache is intensified. Every negative thought is magnified (which is not altogether uncommon for me) and it seems I am far more aware of every physical, mental and emotional craving. One of the worrisome things about all this is that while I have heightened sensitivity, I don't seem to have any better understanding of how to interact with these issues. So I live with this conflicting blurriness and clarity.

I desperately want to be involved, yet find motivation for involvement lacking. When the motivation is present, it seems the opportunity often isn't. Life sometimes feels completely random or haphazard, while at the same time seeming to be very orchestrated--whether for the good or the bad. So I live with both the feeling of restraint at being someone's puppet and the terror of being in free fall.

I am going to stop here for now, as I don't have any significant conclusions to apply. Just writing out my conflicting thoughts to see if they provide a map for the journey in any way. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I would love to hear/read them.