An Undesired Anniversary

I am coming to the anniversary date of the onset of anxiety attacks and the past 24 hours have been a constant reminder of their presence in my life. This is not where I expected to be at this point and I can't say that I appreciate this "learning experience" every moment of every day, but it is indeed a learning journey. So, while this blog is not supposed to be primarily about my mental and emotional struggles, I think it is important to look at what I have been learning.

Throughout my life, I have been the ultimate multi-tasker, or the ultimate ADD sufferer...depending on your perspective. I have always thrived when I had multiple plates in the air, multiple tasks on the to-do list. I couldn't read just one book, I had to be working on five or six books at once. I have never been satisfied in jobs that involved a daily, unchanging routine, I needed variety in life. I craved options. As I review the past several months, though, what I discover is that options and uncertainty are causing me extreme anxiety and distress these days.

I really want to get a job. We need the income, my wife is really tired as the pressure of bringing in enough weighs her down, and I would really like to feel like I am accomplishing something of substance rather than sitting at a computer staring at Facebook for hours on end. I find, however, that when I go to a website full of job listings, I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. I'm sure there are jobs available for me, I just can't get past the list of openings without my chest seizing up and my brain going into rapid descent. This leads to more problems with the depression and anxiety as it reminds me that I'm broken and not feeling any closer to fixed than I was when this whole mess began.

Then there is the daunting process of writing the dreaded thesis. I have never struggled to write--in high school and undergrad I could write five page papers after just reading a book jacket--but I can't seem to focus enough to do any writing on my thesis. I read and study and I love what I am learning. I just can't get it to transfer from my brain to my fingers. Others tell me to write in short sessions or smaller bites, but I can't seem to get my brain around where to start. Again, the sinking feeling of being overwhelmed and paralyzed envelopes me and I find myself sitting and staring at a stack of materials and a blank document on which I am making no progress. I can write one entry on my blog, although it takes a lot more effort than it used to, but I can't organize my thoughts enough to write a paragraph or even a sentence academically.

It is both frustrating and terrifying. I wonder when/if my cognitive abilities will ever return. It is a dark and desperate place in which to live. I cry out to God and hear nothing. I talk to my psychiatrist and she tells me I'm doing better, but why don't I grasp that? My friends and mentors try to help me but I seem to be burrowing into a deeper hole every day. Where is the end? When have I learned enough to get out and move on? I wish I knew.

There is one wonderful/terrible realization to report: I am far less judgmental of others struggling with these kinds of issues these days. There was a woman in our church twenty years ago who had times when she couldn't leave the house and life was a constant battle for her. I remember thinking, and hearing others comment, that she was weak or that she was in some way sinful and thinking less of her. After a year of living a portion of her terror and lostness, my heart goes out to her and others like us who can't seem to defeat "the demons." It can feel like a journey which has a beginning but no known ending and no map or compass to give you direction as you travel. I would not wish this existence on anyone.

I probably know at a deeper emotional level that God loves me and that I really want to love him too than at any point in my life. The queer thing is, it doesn't take care of the symptoms. I have a greater appreciation of my wife and our kids than ever before, but still find myself alone and under the covers at times because I can't handle the relational end of things at the moment. Maybe someday this will make sense. Maybe.