My friend responded to my last post with a comment that I was isolated, estranged, detached. I have been wrestling with those words in the days since. They are certainly descriptive of some of the symptoms I seem to be experiencing, but I'm not sure they are the core or the heart of the matter. I have come to believe that the word that best describes my life right now is dissonant. There are so many contradictory things going on that it can be really unnerving.
The days often seem to pass in a fog, with many lost hours and experiences. However, in the midst of this numbness is an acuity that is uncomfortable. I feel my skin, I feel the air pressing on me, every physical ache is intensified. Every negative thought is magnified (which is not altogether uncommon for me) and it seems I am far more aware of every physical, mental and emotional craving. One of the worrisome things about all this is that while I have heightened sensitivity, I don't seem to have any better understanding of how to interact with these issues. So I live with this conflicting blurriness and clarity.
I desperately want to be involved, yet find motivation for involvement lacking. When the motivation is present, it seems the opportunity often isn't. Life sometimes feels completely random or haphazard, while at the same time seeming to be very orchestrated--whether for the good or the bad. So I live with both the feeling of restraint at being someone's puppet and the terror of being in free fall.
I am going to stop here for now, as I don't have any significant conclusions to apply. Just writing out my conflicting thoughts to see if they provide a map for the journey in any way. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I would love to hear/read them.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
An Undesired Anniversary
I am coming to the anniversary date of the onset of anxiety attacks and the past 24 hours have been a constant reminder of their presence in my life. This is not where I expected to be at this point and I can't say that I appreciate this "learning experience" every moment of every day, but it is indeed a learning journey. So, while this blog is not supposed to be primarily about my mental and emotional struggles, I think it is important to look at what I have been learning.
Throughout my life, I have been the ultimate multi-tasker, or the ultimate ADD sufferer...depending on your perspective. I have always thrived when I had multiple plates in the air, multiple tasks on the to-do list. I couldn't read just one book, I had to be working on five or six books at once. I have never been satisfied in jobs that involved a daily, unchanging routine, I needed variety in life. I craved options. As I review the past several months, though, what I discover is that options and uncertainty are causing me extreme anxiety and distress these days.
I really want to get a job. We need the income, my wife is really tired as the pressure of bringing in enough weighs her down, and I would really like to feel like I am accomplishing something of substance rather than sitting at a computer staring at Facebook for hours on end. I find, however, that when I go to a website full of job listings, I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. I'm sure there are jobs available for me, I just can't get past the list of openings without my chest seizing up and my brain going into rapid descent. This leads to more problems with the depression and anxiety as it reminds me that I'm broken and not feeling any closer to fixed than I was when this whole mess began.
Then there is the daunting process of writing the dreaded thesis. I have never struggled to write--in high school and undergrad I could write five page papers after just reading a book jacket--but I can't seem to focus enough to do any writing on my thesis. I read and study and I love what I am learning. I just can't get it to transfer from my brain to my fingers. Others tell me to write in short sessions or smaller bites, but I can't seem to get my brain around where to start. Again, the sinking feeling of being overwhelmed and paralyzed envelopes me and I find myself sitting and staring at a stack of materials and a blank document on which I am making no progress. I can write one entry on my blog, although it takes a lot more effort than it used to, but I can't organize my thoughts enough to write a paragraph or even a sentence academically.
It is both frustrating and terrifying. I wonder when/if my cognitive abilities will ever return. It is a dark and desperate place in which to live. I cry out to God and hear nothing. I talk to my psychiatrist and she tells me I'm doing better, but why don't I grasp that? My friends and mentors try to help me but I seem to be burrowing into a deeper hole every day. Where is the end? When have I learned enough to get out and move on? I wish I knew.
There is one wonderful/terrible realization to report: I am far less judgmental of others struggling with these kinds of issues these days. There was a woman in our church twenty years ago who had times when she couldn't leave the house and life was a constant battle for her. I remember thinking, and hearing others comment, that she was weak or that she was in some way sinful and thinking less of her. After a year of living a portion of her terror and lostness, my heart goes out to her and others like us who can't seem to defeat "the demons." It can feel like a journey which has a beginning but no known ending and no map or compass to give you direction as you travel. I would not wish this existence on anyone.
I probably know at a deeper emotional level that God loves me and that I really want to love him too than at any point in my life. The queer thing is, it doesn't take care of the symptoms. I have a greater appreciation of my wife and our kids than ever before, but still find myself alone and under the covers at times because I can't handle the relational end of things at the moment. Maybe someday this will make sense. Maybe.
Throughout my life, I have been the ultimate multi-tasker, or the ultimate ADD sufferer...depending on your perspective. I have always thrived when I had multiple plates in the air, multiple tasks on the to-do list. I couldn't read just one book, I had to be working on five or six books at once. I have never been satisfied in jobs that involved a daily, unchanging routine, I needed variety in life. I craved options. As I review the past several months, though, what I discover is that options and uncertainty are causing me extreme anxiety and distress these days.
I really want to get a job. We need the income, my wife is really tired as the pressure of bringing in enough weighs her down, and I would really like to feel like I am accomplishing something of substance rather than sitting at a computer staring at Facebook for hours on end. I find, however, that when I go to a website full of job listings, I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. I'm sure there are jobs available for me, I just can't get past the list of openings without my chest seizing up and my brain going into rapid descent. This leads to more problems with the depression and anxiety as it reminds me that I'm broken and not feeling any closer to fixed than I was when this whole mess began.
Then there is the daunting process of writing the dreaded thesis. I have never struggled to write--in high school and undergrad I could write five page papers after just reading a book jacket--but I can't seem to focus enough to do any writing on my thesis. I read and study and I love what I am learning. I just can't get it to transfer from my brain to my fingers. Others tell me to write in short sessions or smaller bites, but I can't seem to get my brain around where to start. Again, the sinking feeling of being overwhelmed and paralyzed envelopes me and I find myself sitting and staring at a stack of materials and a blank document on which I am making no progress. I can write one entry on my blog, although it takes a lot more effort than it used to, but I can't organize my thoughts enough to write a paragraph or even a sentence academically.
It is both frustrating and terrifying. I wonder when/if my cognitive abilities will ever return. It is a dark and desperate place in which to live. I cry out to God and hear nothing. I talk to my psychiatrist and she tells me I'm doing better, but why don't I grasp that? My friends and mentors try to help me but I seem to be burrowing into a deeper hole every day. Where is the end? When have I learned enough to get out and move on? I wish I knew.
There is one wonderful/terrible realization to report: I am far less judgmental of others struggling with these kinds of issues these days. There was a woman in our church twenty years ago who had times when she couldn't leave the house and life was a constant battle for her. I remember thinking, and hearing others comment, that she was weak or that she was in some way sinful and thinking less of her. After a year of living a portion of her terror and lostness, my heart goes out to her and others like us who can't seem to defeat "the demons." It can feel like a journey which has a beginning but no known ending and no map or compass to give you direction as you travel. I would not wish this existence on anyone.
I probably know at a deeper emotional level that God loves me and that I really want to love him too than at any point in my life. The queer thing is, it doesn't take care of the symptoms. I have a greater appreciation of my wife and our kids than ever before, but still find myself alone and under the covers at times because I can't handle the relational end of things at the moment. Maybe someday this will make sense. Maybe.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Is Jesus Coming on a Cloud of Excellence?
After a holiday hiatus, it is time to post again. I haven't been teaching for most of a month and study on my thesis continues to drag on, so finding things to write about has been a bit of a challenge for me. I will say that it was so good having family around for several days between Christmas and New Year's and I'm thankful that we got a chance to see each of them and get to know some of the nieces and nephews that we don't see often. Thanks for coming everyone!
Went to a monthly lunch meeting today with a group of people who have interest and passion in seeing reconciliation happen. We start with about 30 minutes of prayer together each time we meet. It was the prayer time that has me thinking today; specifically, the prayers of a couple of people, neither of whom I know very well. So, let me put in the disclaimer that I am only evaluating words and making no statement about the heart or motive of these two gentlemen. The fact that they want to be part of this group and make a difference in North Minneapolis is commendable.
The first guy kept praying that we would be ready when Jesus comes to North Minneapolis, as if he is in some way absent right now: "Jesus is coming and we need to be ready to assist him when he gets here." After more than three years of working with ministry types on the northside, I can testify that Jesus is alive and well in North Minneapolis. There are Christ-following men and women who are giving their lives, day-by-day, moment-by-moment, to be his hands and feet in a community that is hurting. This kind of statement exposes our biases about urban centers. There is a common misconception that inner-cities, perhaps because we read of violence in these areas so often, are more sinful and lacking hope or light. However, having lived in suburban and rural communities all my life, I believe that there may be more hope for our cities than there are for some other parts of our country.
I would invite you to spend some time in a small town in a rural area. Pay attention to how many problems there are with drugs (especially methamphetine) and alcohol, the amount of domestic violence and abuse, the number of teenaged girls that are pregnant, and then see if the view remains the same. Add to that the tendency of small towns to deny or hide their troubles, the prevalence of empty religion and moralism, and a general sense of boredom and you can see that Jesus faces some sizable obstacles in these areas too.
Perhaps the journey could then lead you to the suburbs, land of excess and affluence, McMansions and malaise. The lack of contact with reality has a numbing effect on people in these communities. Until the past several months, the financial hardships that define our urban core have had very little bearing on the suburbs. So the security net of comfort, the accumulation of and addiction to stuff, the need for bigger houses and newer SUV's create a shell around the suburbanite that rejects the calling of the quiet voice of God. Maybe, and only maybe, those outside the city limits have fewer obvious problems (teen pregnancy, violence, drugs, etc.) but they share the same aversion to God that those in other communities do.
North Minneapolis needs people to be committed to living out Christ's kingdom on the ground, but so do every small town and every suburb in our world. Jesus isn't "coming," Jesus is present and he is working in big ways and small to restore each of these communities and bring them to relationship with him.
The other troubling prayer was one which kept emphasizing "excellence." Somehow excellence is the key to effective ministry for Jesus, and if we don't pursue excellence, we aren't following Jesus. Not sure where we fell into this flawed way of thinking, but it is so pervasive in evangelical circles and on the shelves of Christian bookstores as to be troubling.
I won't go into a huge amount of detail, but if one just begins with Matthew 1, I think the excellence ideal is blown away. When we consider the bloodline of Jesus, it is a tribute to messiness, to a lack of excellence. Abraham? Mess. Jacob? Mess. Rahab? Mess. David? Mess. Israel in general? Mess. Yet from this flawed stream of contributors, God presented the world with Messiah. Jesus had three years of public ministry which would probably not rate high on the excellence scale of today. He hung out with those whom society would encourage avoiding: tax-collectors, prostitutes, unstable fishermen--you name it, they were a part of his entourage. He built no buildings and had no viable programs for soul-winning. He drifted around from small town to small town, stirring things up as he went but often leaving no tangible evidence that he had been there. Executed as a criminal, abandoned and betrayed by those he considered his closest friends, and buried in a borrowed tomb...wow, what a portrait of non-excellence. No, I think the evidence is pretty overwhelming: Jesus was messy and his was not a model of ministry excellence by human standards.
I think we should do our best, give great effort when we put ourselves into places where we can be of use in ministry to people for the kingdom of God. That said, there may be more genuine affect in real human lives by messy ministry than by professional excellence. I don't want to plan to fail, but I don't want the success of Jesus to hinge on my excellence.
Just a couple of thoughts.
Went to a monthly lunch meeting today with a group of people who have interest and passion in seeing reconciliation happen. We start with about 30 minutes of prayer together each time we meet. It was the prayer time that has me thinking today; specifically, the prayers of a couple of people, neither of whom I know very well. So, let me put in the disclaimer that I am only evaluating words and making no statement about the heart or motive of these two gentlemen. The fact that they want to be part of this group and make a difference in North Minneapolis is commendable.
The first guy kept praying that we would be ready when Jesus comes to North Minneapolis, as if he is in some way absent right now: "Jesus is coming and we need to be ready to assist him when he gets here." After more than three years of working with ministry types on the northside, I can testify that Jesus is alive and well in North Minneapolis. There are Christ-following men and women who are giving their lives, day-by-day, moment-by-moment, to be his hands and feet in a community that is hurting. This kind of statement exposes our biases about urban centers. There is a common misconception that inner-cities, perhaps because we read of violence in these areas so often, are more sinful and lacking hope or light. However, having lived in suburban and rural communities all my life, I believe that there may be more hope for our cities than there are for some other parts of our country.
I would invite you to spend some time in a small town in a rural area. Pay attention to how many problems there are with drugs (especially methamphetine) and alcohol, the amount of domestic violence and abuse, the number of teenaged girls that are pregnant, and then see if the view remains the same. Add to that the tendency of small towns to deny or hide their troubles, the prevalence of empty religion and moralism, and a general sense of boredom and you can see that Jesus faces some sizable obstacles in these areas too.
Perhaps the journey could then lead you to the suburbs, land of excess and affluence, McMansions and malaise. The lack of contact with reality has a numbing effect on people in these communities. Until the past several months, the financial hardships that define our urban core have had very little bearing on the suburbs. So the security net of comfort, the accumulation of and addiction to stuff, the need for bigger houses and newer SUV's create a shell around the suburbanite that rejects the calling of the quiet voice of God. Maybe, and only maybe, those outside the city limits have fewer obvious problems (teen pregnancy, violence, drugs, etc.) but they share the same aversion to God that those in other communities do.
North Minneapolis needs people to be committed to living out Christ's kingdom on the ground, but so do every small town and every suburb in our world. Jesus isn't "coming," Jesus is present and he is working in big ways and small to restore each of these communities and bring them to relationship with him.
The other troubling prayer was one which kept emphasizing "excellence." Somehow excellence is the key to effective ministry for Jesus, and if we don't pursue excellence, we aren't following Jesus. Not sure where we fell into this flawed way of thinking, but it is so pervasive in evangelical circles and on the shelves of Christian bookstores as to be troubling.
I won't go into a huge amount of detail, but if one just begins with Matthew 1, I think the excellence ideal is blown away. When we consider the bloodline of Jesus, it is a tribute to messiness, to a lack of excellence. Abraham? Mess. Jacob? Mess. Rahab? Mess. David? Mess. Israel in general? Mess. Yet from this flawed stream of contributors, God presented the world with Messiah. Jesus had three years of public ministry which would probably not rate high on the excellence scale of today. He hung out with those whom society would encourage avoiding: tax-collectors, prostitutes, unstable fishermen--you name it, they were a part of his entourage. He built no buildings and had no viable programs for soul-winning. He drifted around from small town to small town, stirring things up as he went but often leaving no tangible evidence that he had been there. Executed as a criminal, abandoned and betrayed by those he considered his closest friends, and buried in a borrowed tomb...wow, what a portrait of non-excellence. No, I think the evidence is pretty overwhelming: Jesus was messy and his was not a model of ministry excellence by human standards.
I think we should do our best, give great effort when we put ourselves into places where we can be of use in ministry to people for the kingdom of God. That said, there may be more genuine affect in real human lives by messy ministry than by professional excellence. I don't want to plan to fail, but I don't want the success of Jesus to hinge on my excellence.
Just a couple of thoughts.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Blessed Are We
Took the dog out for a Christmas run today. It was definitely her favorite present and it gave me time to think. It has been a strange week, filled with reminders of the finite nature of this world and the thin line between life and death. It brought together some things in my mind that have been bouncing around for weeks now but not really gelled into coherent thoughts. Hopefully this will be coherent.
As God has been working on me in the past several months, I have had to determine what it is I truly value, where I find my meaning and purpose. While I have never been terribly committed to their teaching, this has brought a new awareness of prosperity preachers and a revulsion to the message they promote. So I want to raise a few questions, some from real-life circumstances, others just true to experience, to illustrate what I think are the shortcomings in this belief system.
If we believe that health and prosperity are the direct result of having the right faith in God, how do we comfort the college student who goes from healthy and happy one day to hospitalized and in need of a kidney transplant the next? What do we say in answer to her questions about the goodness of God when she has lived the Christian life as she has been taught it and now, with a recent engagement and in the middle of the Christmas season, life is turned upside down and she is forced to deal with her own mortality and the possibility of a chronic medical condition which places unnatural limits on her life?
If we believe that those who truly love God and give generously to his church will be given everything they need financially, what is our response to the 62 year old doctor who has foregone the country club and extravagant vacations to give to the poor and do medical mission trips for the last thirty years. What do we say when he tells us he was looking forward to retiring in a couple of years and spending the remainder of his life serving the sick, the poor, the broken and destitute in some of the most poverty-stricken regions of this world, using his knowledge as a doctor and his passion for Christ as a means of bringing hope to the least among us? How do we explain that thirty years of retirement savings have been swallowed up in one quarter of economic downturn and disaster and that retirement for him is now a pipe dream?
If we believe that we really can have our best life now, how do we face a father and his children who have had to say goodbye to their beloved wife and mother on Christmas Day, as she finally was not able to win the battle with cancer. Is there comfort available to them that won't trivialize the suffering that she experienced and the pain they feel so deeply now? What words do we have for the sons who won't have their mother at their high school graduations, to the daughter whose mother will not be here to help plan her wedding, to the husband who will someday hold grandchildren and feel deep sorrow that she cannot be with him to experience this unique and remarkable joy?
Jesus told us that in this world we would face trials of many kinds, that there would be suffering. This wasn't some promise to get us excited to test our mettle against the hardships of life; it wasn't a threat to keep us from stepping over the line and feeling God's wrath as a result of our poor choices and behavior; it is simply a statement of fact. We live in what can best be described as a war zone, where forces beyond our comprehension are at work to bring us into submission and destroy us, while God is meeting them at every turn and fighting on our behalf. Our world is at war and in war, there is suffering. It seems that the greatest pain in war is experienced by those who survive. For those who die while fighting, the war is over. The ones who live through the death and destruction carry scars that remain throughout their lives and the everyday events of human existence can often touch the sensitive spots of those scars and bring great pain from out of the blue. So how dare we make light of the war, the suffering, the scars and pain that others carry with them by implying that if they somehow had only fought their war better, they wouldn't be suffering like this today? Where do we find support for this distorted view of life?
Perhaps the best answer to these difficult questions is in Gabriel's greeting to Mary: "Fear not Mary, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women." You see, we have misconstrued God's blessing for American benefits. The real message of Christmas, the true meaning of the kingdom is that the blessing is the presence. While I can't prove this with any linguistic study of ancient texts, it does seem consistent with the pattern of scripture: the blessing of God is that He is with us, not that He gives us stuff. And if that truly is the point of the blessing, it is perfectly rational to say, "Fear not my friends--in sickness and in health, in life and in death, in prosperity and poverty--God is with you. Blessed are you."
Merry Christmas. Jesus is Emmanuel. God is with us. Blessed are we.
As God has been working on me in the past several months, I have had to determine what it is I truly value, where I find my meaning and purpose. While I have never been terribly committed to their teaching, this has brought a new awareness of prosperity preachers and a revulsion to the message they promote. So I want to raise a few questions, some from real-life circumstances, others just true to experience, to illustrate what I think are the shortcomings in this belief system.
If we believe that health and prosperity are the direct result of having the right faith in God, how do we comfort the college student who goes from healthy and happy one day to hospitalized and in need of a kidney transplant the next? What do we say in answer to her questions about the goodness of God when she has lived the Christian life as she has been taught it and now, with a recent engagement and in the middle of the Christmas season, life is turned upside down and she is forced to deal with her own mortality and the possibility of a chronic medical condition which places unnatural limits on her life?
If we believe that those who truly love God and give generously to his church will be given everything they need financially, what is our response to the 62 year old doctor who has foregone the country club and extravagant vacations to give to the poor and do medical mission trips for the last thirty years. What do we say when he tells us he was looking forward to retiring in a couple of years and spending the remainder of his life serving the sick, the poor, the broken and destitute in some of the most poverty-stricken regions of this world, using his knowledge as a doctor and his passion for Christ as a means of bringing hope to the least among us? How do we explain that thirty years of retirement savings have been swallowed up in one quarter of economic downturn and disaster and that retirement for him is now a pipe dream?
If we believe that we really can have our best life now, how do we face a father and his children who have had to say goodbye to their beloved wife and mother on Christmas Day, as she finally was not able to win the battle with cancer. Is there comfort available to them that won't trivialize the suffering that she experienced and the pain they feel so deeply now? What words do we have for the sons who won't have their mother at their high school graduations, to the daughter whose mother will not be here to help plan her wedding, to the husband who will someday hold grandchildren and feel deep sorrow that she cannot be with him to experience this unique and remarkable joy?
Jesus told us that in this world we would face trials of many kinds, that there would be suffering. This wasn't some promise to get us excited to test our mettle against the hardships of life; it wasn't a threat to keep us from stepping over the line and feeling God's wrath as a result of our poor choices and behavior; it is simply a statement of fact. We live in what can best be described as a war zone, where forces beyond our comprehension are at work to bring us into submission and destroy us, while God is meeting them at every turn and fighting on our behalf. Our world is at war and in war, there is suffering. It seems that the greatest pain in war is experienced by those who survive. For those who die while fighting, the war is over. The ones who live through the death and destruction carry scars that remain throughout their lives and the everyday events of human existence can often touch the sensitive spots of those scars and bring great pain from out of the blue. So how dare we make light of the war, the suffering, the scars and pain that others carry with them by implying that if they somehow had only fought their war better, they wouldn't be suffering like this today? Where do we find support for this distorted view of life?
Perhaps the best answer to these difficult questions is in Gabriel's greeting to Mary: "Fear not Mary, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women." You see, we have misconstrued God's blessing for American benefits. The real message of Christmas, the true meaning of the kingdom is that the blessing is the presence. While I can't prove this with any linguistic study of ancient texts, it does seem consistent with the pattern of scripture: the blessing of God is that He is with us, not that He gives us stuff. And if that truly is the point of the blessing, it is perfectly rational to say, "Fear not my friends--in sickness and in health, in life and in death, in prosperity and poverty--God is with you. Blessed are you."
Merry Christmas. Jesus is Emmanuel. God is with us. Blessed are we.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I Love Woodland Hills
Another Sunday, another chance to fall in love. I find myself so excited to get going on Sunday mornings these days that I can barely contain myself. I was nervous that the roads might be bad today and was really glad when they were fine. I honestly don't remember a time when I was just so anxious to get to church on Sundays. It certainly wasn't the case when I was the guy up front. So, why is that?
The gathering area is electric. When we come in on Sunday mornings, the sense of anticipation is palpable. It may not be a place where everybody knows your name, but it certainly does seem that everyone is genuinely glad you're there. Not only that, but it seems that everyone around is glad to be there too. From the greeting at the door, to the small gatherings of people all over the room having intimate (and sometimes boisterous) conversation, to the person handing out bulletins at the entry to the worship area, the whole place just screams: WELCOME HOME!!!
The music is amazing. My heart starts to beat a bit faster when I see Norm head up to the stage area and get things going. There is something about his spirit, his attitude, his openness, that make it a joy to sing along with him. Add to that the fact that there are high-quality musicians up there, but they are not focused on production values, but rather on leading a bunch of people to a better experience with God. I love this. Even when I don't know the songs or am not really into the style (which is pretty rare), I love the feeling of worship with this group of people.
Greg is awesome. I've never been in a church where week after week I find resonance with the preaching. Greg Boyd is an incredible teacher and really smart. He also has a refreshing sense of love for and being loved by God. Add that to the fact that he is willing to be vulnerable and real and to play the doofus at times...I love knowing that this guy is my pastor.
It looks like God here. I look around and see people lost in wonder. I see people of various ages, races, economic standings and cultural backgrounds with this in common: we all meet God here through the worship experience and through the presence of His Kingdom in this body. Today I watched the woman who does the sign language interpretation as she danced while signing. I love that! Then I noticed the guy in the worship choir today who came on stage in a wheelchair and stood to sing with the help of a walker. And this is normal life at Woodland Hills. People dance, they sing, they raise and clap hands, they shout and cheer, they pray and they give. Occasionally they even break into a conga line! I see Jesus here, partying and praising for all he's worth.
I've been at Woodland Hills for about nine months and have seen my faith expand even as my life circumstances become less certain. I am thankful that there is a church like this and that I am fortunate enough to be a part of it.
The gathering area is electric. When we come in on Sunday mornings, the sense of anticipation is palpable. It may not be a place where everybody knows your name, but it certainly does seem that everyone is genuinely glad you're there. Not only that, but it seems that everyone around is glad to be there too. From the greeting at the door, to the small gatherings of people all over the room having intimate (and sometimes boisterous) conversation, to the person handing out bulletins at the entry to the worship area, the whole place just screams: WELCOME HOME!!!
The music is amazing. My heart starts to beat a bit faster when I see Norm head up to the stage area and get things going. There is something about his spirit, his attitude, his openness, that make it a joy to sing along with him. Add to that the fact that there are high-quality musicians up there, but they are not focused on production values, but rather on leading a bunch of people to a better experience with God. I love this. Even when I don't know the songs or am not really into the style (which is pretty rare), I love the feeling of worship with this group of people.
Greg is awesome. I've never been in a church where week after week I find resonance with the preaching. Greg Boyd is an incredible teacher and really smart. He also has a refreshing sense of love for and being loved by God. Add that to the fact that he is willing to be vulnerable and real and to play the doofus at times...I love knowing that this guy is my pastor.
It looks like God here. I look around and see people lost in wonder. I see people of various ages, races, economic standings and cultural backgrounds with this in common: we all meet God here through the worship experience and through the presence of His Kingdom in this body. Today I watched the woman who does the sign language interpretation as she danced while signing. I love that! Then I noticed the guy in the worship choir today who came on stage in a wheelchair and stood to sing with the help of a walker. And this is normal life at Woodland Hills. People dance, they sing, they raise and clap hands, they shout and cheer, they pray and they give. Occasionally they even break into a conga line! I see Jesus here, partying and praising for all he's worth.
I've been at Woodland Hills for about nine months and have seen my faith expand even as my life circumstances become less certain. I am thankful that there is a church like this and that I am fortunate enough to be a part of it.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The End of the Class as We Know It
We're down to one week and what a journey it has been. Yesterday's class was a great snapshot of what this semester has been and what teaching probably looks like. We went in with a plan and a schedule for the one hour, forty minute classroom encounter. The first five to ten minutes went just about as planned. Yeah, the first 5 to 10 minutes. Then things began to get interesting. The first group was supposed to debrief for about fifteen minutes, but it became a half-hour of digging deeper, helping them to figure out who they have been and become throughout this "family" experience. While it wasn't in our plans, it was a great benefit to the family group and the class. When added to the second family debriefing, about 2/3 of class was gone and we hadn't lectured or discussed the final. And we never did.
One student had a question during the break about how you find things to talk about after you're married. This grew to a discussion with his family group and finally took over the remainder of the class time with the whole class. It was an amazing opportunity to use the things we learned over the course of a semester as a lens through which to view family life in the real world. Not exactly where we intended to go, but what a great learning/teaching interaction.
This means that on Thursday, we have to do a quick walk-through of the final exam so the students can work on the exam together for the rest of the class. Again, not the idea we entered with, but worth it if this class becomes something more than some credits on the transcripts of twenty graduating seniors.
One student had a question during the break about how you find things to talk about after you're married. This grew to a discussion with his family group and finally took over the remainder of the class time with the whole class. It was an amazing opportunity to use the things we learned over the course of a semester as a lens through which to view family life in the real world. Not exactly where we intended to go, but what a great learning/teaching interaction.
This means that on Thursday, we have to do a quick walk-through of the final exam so the students can work on the exam together for the rest of the class. Again, not the idea we entered with, but worth it if this class becomes something more than some credits on the transcripts of twenty graduating seniors.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Reconciliation, Transaction, and Restoration
I am still in the process of writing my thesis. I am researching and writing about reconciliation (more specifically, racial reconciliation) as a rhetorical movement. It is a fascinating study, seeing the ways words create, define, and in many ways ARE a movement. In the course of research, I am reading a book called Hegel's Social Philosophy: The Project of Reconciliation. It is entirely too thick for me, but I do understand about every fifth sentence! This book, however, has prompted me to write what I have been wrestling with for quite some time now--my biblical understanding of reconciliation.
I (believe I) grew up in a church culture that defined reconciliation in transactional terms. Reconciliation is a balancing of the ledgers, making sure that we don't overspend our resources. The act of reconciliation between God and humans in the person of Jesus was simply a deposit into our account to put us at break-even. From there, the important thing in life was to keep my account balanced. When sin goes out, forgiveness must come in or else I will be overdrawn and the fee is really steep! I say I believe this was my church culture because I think there is always the possibility that I misconstrued what I was hearing. This may not have been the intellectual understanding of reconciliation in my group, but it was at least implicit in everything we learned and tried to live.
If reconciliation is transactional, then the goal is "equal rights." If I can, in a very legal sense, state that everyone has the same rights, reconciliation has been accomplished as the ledger is balanced. It doesn't take into account prior inequity but simply brings everything up to date and says, "Start here." Transactional reconciliation assuages the overdrawn by giving them a clean slate, a balanced bank statement. However, it does nothing to address the root of the problem.
I believe more and more that reconciliation is not essentially transactional, but rather is intended to be restorative. Restorative reconciliation intentionally looks at the causes of the imbalance and changes not only the account balance but also the way we think about our "spending." When viewing our relationship with God through this restorative lens, it means going deep into the roots of our separation and breaking down the barriers to heart relationship. When viewing racial reconciliation through this lens, we go beyond simply balancing the ledger. We seek to understand the pain and suffering of our brothers and sisters, to acknowledge and repent of the acts that have contributed to the inequity, and seek to live in ways that bring healing and redemption to both our individual relationships and the systems that create and support brokenness.
I'm not sure this is as clear as I would like it to be, but I hope it is the catalyst for conversation that will contribute to a genuine, passionate pursuit of reconciliation. Reconciliation that begins with Christ and extends to human relationship.
I (believe I) grew up in a church culture that defined reconciliation in transactional terms. Reconciliation is a balancing of the ledgers, making sure that we don't overspend our resources. The act of reconciliation between God and humans in the person of Jesus was simply a deposit into our account to put us at break-even. From there, the important thing in life was to keep my account balanced. When sin goes out, forgiveness must come in or else I will be overdrawn and the fee is really steep! I say I believe this was my church culture because I think there is always the possibility that I misconstrued what I was hearing. This may not have been the intellectual understanding of reconciliation in my group, but it was at least implicit in everything we learned and tried to live.
If reconciliation is transactional, then the goal is "equal rights." If I can, in a very legal sense, state that everyone has the same rights, reconciliation has been accomplished as the ledger is balanced. It doesn't take into account prior inequity but simply brings everything up to date and says, "Start here." Transactional reconciliation assuages the overdrawn by giving them a clean slate, a balanced bank statement. However, it does nothing to address the root of the problem.
I believe more and more that reconciliation is not essentially transactional, but rather is intended to be restorative. Restorative reconciliation intentionally looks at the causes of the imbalance and changes not only the account balance but also the way we think about our "spending." When viewing our relationship with God through this restorative lens, it means going deep into the roots of our separation and breaking down the barriers to heart relationship. When viewing racial reconciliation through this lens, we go beyond simply balancing the ledger. We seek to understand the pain and suffering of our brothers and sisters, to acknowledge and repent of the acts that have contributed to the inequity, and seek to live in ways that bring healing and redemption to both our individual relationships and the systems that create and support brokenness.
I'm not sure this is as clear as I would like it to be, but I hope it is the catalyst for conversation that will contribute to a genuine, passionate pursuit of reconciliation. Reconciliation that begins with Christ and extends to human relationship.
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