My friend responded to my last post with a comment that I was isolated, estranged, detached. I have been wrestling with those words in the days since. They are certainly descriptive of some of the symptoms I seem to be experiencing, but I'm not sure they are the core or the heart of the matter. I have come to believe that the word that best describes my life right now is dissonant. There are so many contradictory things going on that it can be really unnerving.
The days often seem to pass in a fog, with many lost hours and experiences. However, in the midst of this numbness is an acuity that is uncomfortable. I feel my skin, I feel the air pressing on me, every physical ache is intensified. Every negative thought is magnified (which is not altogether uncommon for me) and it seems I am far more aware of every physical, mental and emotional craving. One of the worrisome things about all this is that while I have heightened sensitivity, I don't seem to have any better understanding of how to interact with these issues. So I live with this conflicting blurriness and clarity.
I desperately want to be involved, yet find motivation for involvement lacking. When the motivation is present, it seems the opportunity often isn't. Life sometimes feels completely random or haphazard, while at the same time seeming to be very orchestrated--whether for the good or the bad. So I live with both the feeling of restraint at being someone's puppet and the terror of being in free fall.
I am going to stop here for now, as I don't have any significant conclusions to apply. Just writing out my conflicting thoughts to see if they provide a map for the journey in any way. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I would love to hear/read them.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
An Undesired Anniversary
I am coming to the anniversary date of the onset of anxiety attacks and the past 24 hours have been a constant reminder of their presence in my life. This is not where I expected to be at this point and I can't say that I appreciate this "learning experience" every moment of every day, but it is indeed a learning journey. So, while this blog is not supposed to be primarily about my mental and emotional struggles, I think it is important to look at what I have been learning.
Throughout my life, I have been the ultimate multi-tasker, or the ultimate ADD sufferer...depending on your perspective. I have always thrived when I had multiple plates in the air, multiple tasks on the to-do list. I couldn't read just one book, I had to be working on five or six books at once. I have never been satisfied in jobs that involved a daily, unchanging routine, I needed variety in life. I craved options. As I review the past several months, though, what I discover is that options and uncertainty are causing me extreme anxiety and distress these days.
I really want to get a job. We need the income, my wife is really tired as the pressure of bringing in enough weighs her down, and I would really like to feel like I am accomplishing something of substance rather than sitting at a computer staring at Facebook for hours on end. I find, however, that when I go to a website full of job listings, I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. I'm sure there are jobs available for me, I just can't get past the list of openings without my chest seizing up and my brain going into rapid descent. This leads to more problems with the depression and anxiety as it reminds me that I'm broken and not feeling any closer to fixed than I was when this whole mess began.
Then there is the daunting process of writing the dreaded thesis. I have never struggled to write--in high school and undergrad I could write five page papers after just reading a book jacket--but I can't seem to focus enough to do any writing on my thesis. I read and study and I love what I am learning. I just can't get it to transfer from my brain to my fingers. Others tell me to write in short sessions or smaller bites, but I can't seem to get my brain around where to start. Again, the sinking feeling of being overwhelmed and paralyzed envelopes me and I find myself sitting and staring at a stack of materials and a blank document on which I am making no progress. I can write one entry on my blog, although it takes a lot more effort than it used to, but I can't organize my thoughts enough to write a paragraph or even a sentence academically.
It is both frustrating and terrifying. I wonder when/if my cognitive abilities will ever return. It is a dark and desperate place in which to live. I cry out to God and hear nothing. I talk to my psychiatrist and she tells me I'm doing better, but why don't I grasp that? My friends and mentors try to help me but I seem to be burrowing into a deeper hole every day. Where is the end? When have I learned enough to get out and move on? I wish I knew.
There is one wonderful/terrible realization to report: I am far less judgmental of others struggling with these kinds of issues these days. There was a woman in our church twenty years ago who had times when she couldn't leave the house and life was a constant battle for her. I remember thinking, and hearing others comment, that she was weak or that she was in some way sinful and thinking less of her. After a year of living a portion of her terror and lostness, my heart goes out to her and others like us who can't seem to defeat "the demons." It can feel like a journey which has a beginning but no known ending and no map or compass to give you direction as you travel. I would not wish this existence on anyone.
I probably know at a deeper emotional level that God loves me and that I really want to love him too than at any point in my life. The queer thing is, it doesn't take care of the symptoms. I have a greater appreciation of my wife and our kids than ever before, but still find myself alone and under the covers at times because I can't handle the relational end of things at the moment. Maybe someday this will make sense. Maybe.
Throughout my life, I have been the ultimate multi-tasker, or the ultimate ADD sufferer...depending on your perspective. I have always thrived when I had multiple plates in the air, multiple tasks on the to-do list. I couldn't read just one book, I had to be working on five or six books at once. I have never been satisfied in jobs that involved a daily, unchanging routine, I needed variety in life. I craved options. As I review the past several months, though, what I discover is that options and uncertainty are causing me extreme anxiety and distress these days.
I really want to get a job. We need the income, my wife is really tired as the pressure of bringing in enough weighs her down, and I would really like to feel like I am accomplishing something of substance rather than sitting at a computer staring at Facebook for hours on end. I find, however, that when I go to a website full of job listings, I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. I'm sure there are jobs available for me, I just can't get past the list of openings without my chest seizing up and my brain going into rapid descent. This leads to more problems with the depression and anxiety as it reminds me that I'm broken and not feeling any closer to fixed than I was when this whole mess began.
Then there is the daunting process of writing the dreaded thesis. I have never struggled to write--in high school and undergrad I could write five page papers after just reading a book jacket--but I can't seem to focus enough to do any writing on my thesis. I read and study and I love what I am learning. I just can't get it to transfer from my brain to my fingers. Others tell me to write in short sessions or smaller bites, but I can't seem to get my brain around where to start. Again, the sinking feeling of being overwhelmed and paralyzed envelopes me and I find myself sitting and staring at a stack of materials and a blank document on which I am making no progress. I can write one entry on my blog, although it takes a lot more effort than it used to, but I can't organize my thoughts enough to write a paragraph or even a sentence academically.
It is both frustrating and terrifying. I wonder when/if my cognitive abilities will ever return. It is a dark and desperate place in which to live. I cry out to God and hear nothing. I talk to my psychiatrist and she tells me I'm doing better, but why don't I grasp that? My friends and mentors try to help me but I seem to be burrowing into a deeper hole every day. Where is the end? When have I learned enough to get out and move on? I wish I knew.
There is one wonderful/terrible realization to report: I am far less judgmental of others struggling with these kinds of issues these days. There was a woman in our church twenty years ago who had times when she couldn't leave the house and life was a constant battle for her. I remember thinking, and hearing others comment, that she was weak or that she was in some way sinful and thinking less of her. After a year of living a portion of her terror and lostness, my heart goes out to her and others like us who can't seem to defeat "the demons." It can feel like a journey which has a beginning but no known ending and no map or compass to give you direction as you travel. I would not wish this existence on anyone.
I probably know at a deeper emotional level that God loves me and that I really want to love him too than at any point in my life. The queer thing is, it doesn't take care of the symptoms. I have a greater appreciation of my wife and our kids than ever before, but still find myself alone and under the covers at times because I can't handle the relational end of things at the moment. Maybe someday this will make sense. Maybe.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Is Jesus Coming on a Cloud of Excellence?
After a holiday hiatus, it is time to post again. I haven't been teaching for most of a month and study on my thesis continues to drag on, so finding things to write about has been a bit of a challenge for me. I will say that it was so good having family around for several days between Christmas and New Year's and I'm thankful that we got a chance to see each of them and get to know some of the nieces and nephews that we don't see often. Thanks for coming everyone!
Went to a monthly lunch meeting today with a group of people who have interest and passion in seeing reconciliation happen. We start with about 30 minutes of prayer together each time we meet. It was the prayer time that has me thinking today; specifically, the prayers of a couple of people, neither of whom I know very well. So, let me put in the disclaimer that I am only evaluating words and making no statement about the heart or motive of these two gentlemen. The fact that they want to be part of this group and make a difference in North Minneapolis is commendable.
The first guy kept praying that we would be ready when Jesus comes to North Minneapolis, as if he is in some way absent right now: "Jesus is coming and we need to be ready to assist him when he gets here." After more than three years of working with ministry types on the northside, I can testify that Jesus is alive and well in North Minneapolis. There are Christ-following men and women who are giving their lives, day-by-day, moment-by-moment, to be his hands and feet in a community that is hurting. This kind of statement exposes our biases about urban centers. There is a common misconception that inner-cities, perhaps because we read of violence in these areas so often, are more sinful and lacking hope or light. However, having lived in suburban and rural communities all my life, I believe that there may be more hope for our cities than there are for some other parts of our country.
I would invite you to spend some time in a small town in a rural area. Pay attention to how many problems there are with drugs (especially methamphetine) and alcohol, the amount of domestic violence and abuse, the number of teenaged girls that are pregnant, and then see if the view remains the same. Add to that the tendency of small towns to deny or hide their troubles, the prevalence of empty religion and moralism, and a general sense of boredom and you can see that Jesus faces some sizable obstacles in these areas too.
Perhaps the journey could then lead you to the suburbs, land of excess and affluence, McMansions and malaise. The lack of contact with reality has a numbing effect on people in these communities. Until the past several months, the financial hardships that define our urban core have had very little bearing on the suburbs. So the security net of comfort, the accumulation of and addiction to stuff, the need for bigger houses and newer SUV's create a shell around the suburbanite that rejects the calling of the quiet voice of God. Maybe, and only maybe, those outside the city limits have fewer obvious problems (teen pregnancy, violence, drugs, etc.) but they share the same aversion to God that those in other communities do.
North Minneapolis needs people to be committed to living out Christ's kingdom on the ground, but so do every small town and every suburb in our world. Jesus isn't "coming," Jesus is present and he is working in big ways and small to restore each of these communities and bring them to relationship with him.
The other troubling prayer was one which kept emphasizing "excellence." Somehow excellence is the key to effective ministry for Jesus, and if we don't pursue excellence, we aren't following Jesus. Not sure where we fell into this flawed way of thinking, but it is so pervasive in evangelical circles and on the shelves of Christian bookstores as to be troubling.
I won't go into a huge amount of detail, but if one just begins with Matthew 1, I think the excellence ideal is blown away. When we consider the bloodline of Jesus, it is a tribute to messiness, to a lack of excellence. Abraham? Mess. Jacob? Mess. Rahab? Mess. David? Mess. Israel in general? Mess. Yet from this flawed stream of contributors, God presented the world with Messiah. Jesus had three years of public ministry which would probably not rate high on the excellence scale of today. He hung out with those whom society would encourage avoiding: tax-collectors, prostitutes, unstable fishermen--you name it, they were a part of his entourage. He built no buildings and had no viable programs for soul-winning. He drifted around from small town to small town, stirring things up as he went but often leaving no tangible evidence that he had been there. Executed as a criminal, abandoned and betrayed by those he considered his closest friends, and buried in a borrowed tomb...wow, what a portrait of non-excellence. No, I think the evidence is pretty overwhelming: Jesus was messy and his was not a model of ministry excellence by human standards.
I think we should do our best, give great effort when we put ourselves into places where we can be of use in ministry to people for the kingdom of God. That said, there may be more genuine affect in real human lives by messy ministry than by professional excellence. I don't want to plan to fail, but I don't want the success of Jesus to hinge on my excellence.
Just a couple of thoughts.
Went to a monthly lunch meeting today with a group of people who have interest and passion in seeing reconciliation happen. We start with about 30 minutes of prayer together each time we meet. It was the prayer time that has me thinking today; specifically, the prayers of a couple of people, neither of whom I know very well. So, let me put in the disclaimer that I am only evaluating words and making no statement about the heart or motive of these two gentlemen. The fact that they want to be part of this group and make a difference in North Minneapolis is commendable.
The first guy kept praying that we would be ready when Jesus comes to North Minneapolis, as if he is in some way absent right now: "Jesus is coming and we need to be ready to assist him when he gets here." After more than three years of working with ministry types on the northside, I can testify that Jesus is alive and well in North Minneapolis. There are Christ-following men and women who are giving their lives, day-by-day, moment-by-moment, to be his hands and feet in a community that is hurting. This kind of statement exposes our biases about urban centers. There is a common misconception that inner-cities, perhaps because we read of violence in these areas so often, are more sinful and lacking hope or light. However, having lived in suburban and rural communities all my life, I believe that there may be more hope for our cities than there are for some other parts of our country.
I would invite you to spend some time in a small town in a rural area. Pay attention to how many problems there are with drugs (especially methamphetine) and alcohol, the amount of domestic violence and abuse, the number of teenaged girls that are pregnant, and then see if the view remains the same. Add to that the tendency of small towns to deny or hide their troubles, the prevalence of empty religion and moralism, and a general sense of boredom and you can see that Jesus faces some sizable obstacles in these areas too.
Perhaps the journey could then lead you to the suburbs, land of excess and affluence, McMansions and malaise. The lack of contact with reality has a numbing effect on people in these communities. Until the past several months, the financial hardships that define our urban core have had very little bearing on the suburbs. So the security net of comfort, the accumulation of and addiction to stuff, the need for bigger houses and newer SUV's create a shell around the suburbanite that rejects the calling of the quiet voice of God. Maybe, and only maybe, those outside the city limits have fewer obvious problems (teen pregnancy, violence, drugs, etc.) but they share the same aversion to God that those in other communities do.
North Minneapolis needs people to be committed to living out Christ's kingdom on the ground, but so do every small town and every suburb in our world. Jesus isn't "coming," Jesus is present and he is working in big ways and small to restore each of these communities and bring them to relationship with him.
The other troubling prayer was one which kept emphasizing "excellence." Somehow excellence is the key to effective ministry for Jesus, and if we don't pursue excellence, we aren't following Jesus. Not sure where we fell into this flawed way of thinking, but it is so pervasive in evangelical circles and on the shelves of Christian bookstores as to be troubling.
I won't go into a huge amount of detail, but if one just begins with Matthew 1, I think the excellence ideal is blown away. When we consider the bloodline of Jesus, it is a tribute to messiness, to a lack of excellence. Abraham? Mess. Jacob? Mess. Rahab? Mess. David? Mess. Israel in general? Mess. Yet from this flawed stream of contributors, God presented the world with Messiah. Jesus had three years of public ministry which would probably not rate high on the excellence scale of today. He hung out with those whom society would encourage avoiding: tax-collectors, prostitutes, unstable fishermen--you name it, they were a part of his entourage. He built no buildings and had no viable programs for soul-winning. He drifted around from small town to small town, stirring things up as he went but often leaving no tangible evidence that he had been there. Executed as a criminal, abandoned and betrayed by those he considered his closest friends, and buried in a borrowed tomb...wow, what a portrait of non-excellence. No, I think the evidence is pretty overwhelming: Jesus was messy and his was not a model of ministry excellence by human standards.
I think we should do our best, give great effort when we put ourselves into places where we can be of use in ministry to people for the kingdom of God. That said, there may be more genuine affect in real human lives by messy ministry than by professional excellence. I don't want to plan to fail, but I don't want the success of Jesus to hinge on my excellence.
Just a couple of thoughts.
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