What I'm Lookin For...

I watched a video today on people who got patents on communication devices/technologies over the past couple of centuries. One of the amazing things about these guys is how often what they ended up patenting was not what they set out to invent. As they kept trying, new ideas opened up before them and they often followed paths they had not originally seen. This has me thinking. I started out on a "career path" about 20 years ago, one that has brought me virtually no satisfaction. I have always bounced back to this field because it is what I know, what I have studied and what feels safe--even as it slowly drives me out of my mind. So now something has come apart and I no longer feel safe there. I have been looking at different jobs in some familiar fields and am finding nothing. So, I wonder if perhaps the message from God in this journey/search is to be open to the unexpected, that what he intends to "patent" in me is not the product I thought I was trying to invent. Doesn't give me a great deal of security in this moment, but it does start to kindle a little hope that all is not lost, that there me be something better around the bend. Perhaps I will someday find what I'm looking for.

Irresistible Revolution

I've been reading Shane Claiborne's book, Irresistible Revolution, the last couple of days. It is a very challenging book and he leads a very challenging life. He points out how the lifestyle he describes is not "out of the norm" but is what followers of Jesus are supposed to live like. He calls those who choose this life "ordinary radicals." Yet we look at this kind of living as extraordinary.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with what I'm reading. I want to live this life. I don't know if I have the courage.

Road Trip

I pretty much finalized plans for a road trip in a couple of weeks. I'm going to spend Holy Week, Easter and the following week in New Jersey. I am going to church at my old church with people I know, love and feel secure with. At the end of the second week my daughter will fly out and we'll go to an orientation at her college before hitting the road home. I am driving my trusty 4Runner and not making any serious travel plans--just go and get as far as I feel like going each day. Taking some homework and perhaps my thesis materials which are coming due soon. I might look for work and I might not. I'm really looking forward to seeing friends, friends who seem more like family.

News of the Day

It is Wednesday after the latest Super Tuesday. McCain took care of business in the Republican primaries and Huckabee stepped out so we know who the Republican nominee will be. Not a terribly exciting prospect but at least we know. I guess the question now will be, "Who will be his running mate?" Michael Steele (former Lt. Governor of Maryland)? Mitt Romney (who despises McCain and is despised by McCain)? Huckabee (who would bring Chuck Norris along)? Jeb Bush (I mean, how long has it been since we had a Bush on the ticket!)? Joe Lieberman (now that is an interesting concept, a Dem without a party)? Well, it gives the talking heads something to argue about.

The Democrats, on the other hand, can't make up their mind if they have made up their mind. Hillary won enough yesterday to keep her campaign alive but many are saying that she really has no mathematical chance at catching Obama and is just extended the anger and division by staying in the race. She says she will consider a joint ticket--with her at the top! I think she knows the only chance she has at becoming President is for Obama to be at her side. And there is no way he makes her the VP once he wraps up the nomination. Would you really want the Clintons hanging around the White House if you were the Prez? You could end up another dead body on the path to the White House for a Clinton.

Funny thing is, this stuff used to matter to me.

Survival. Not always the easiest thing. I have been struggling to keep afloat of late. Years of depression and self-loathing have come to a head and now I am trying to figure things out. A new experience: anxiety attacks with tightness in my chest, trouble breathing, irrational fear of much that is familiar. It is probably the toughest battle of my life. I have no idea what the outcome will be.

Add to that the Mack truck that is this season's flu bug. Going on three weeks feeling lousy. That doesn't help with the mental stuff.

I am on an indefinite leave-of-absence from my position, going to church at a semi-local megachurch and doing a lot of talking, thinking, processing. The road to being right seems long and uncertain. Finding God in the middle of all this would be really nice.

Fade to Black

Last night was the final performance (of six) of the Champlin Park High School production of "Phantom." It was also Senior recognition night. And for the first time in my life, one of those seniors was mine. Back when I was a youth pastor, I went to a bunch of these kinds of things for my graduating youth group kids and it was always a little melancholy--honoring my students, but realizing they weren't going to be a part of things with us in the same way anymore. Now it is my daughter, my oldest. Realizing that this was her final performance in high school musicals, that it was another milestone on her way out the door, I feel a deep sense of loss. She is so much like me that I'm not sure how much she understands the connection, how much joy I feel at her joy and how much I experience and carry the sorrow she endures. I sat with a father's pride, watching my little girl get her rose, her hug and her final bow. I miss her already.

Hope Springs Eternal

I love my sports and my sports teams. For me and my teams, this is a great time of year. As a fan of the Kansas Jayhawks basketball team, they are looking strong heading into March Madness and will be a high seed with a great chance to win it all. Some of the thrill is gone after Roy Williams left and went to North Carolina--I haven't gotten so enthralled with Bill Self as the coach. Still, it is a great time to be a KU fan. Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk!!!

NFL free agency started late this week and the Broncos have some needs to fill. So far they haven't shown much to make me excited, but there are still a lot of players out there looking for teams. In free agency, every team has a chance to improve and I "know" my Broncos will take care of business before all is said and done.

Finally, spring training has begun. My Kansas City Royals last won a World Series in 1985 when I was 20 years old. Since then, they have not made the playoffs and in the last ten years have only had about one winning season. But they are loaded with young talent and have a new manager and a general manager who seems to have a clue, so.....THIS COULD BE THE YEAR!!!!

Like the title says, "Hope springs eternal."