Seven Days

What a difference a week can make. Last Sunday, I wrote that we were likely going to have to move out of our house. About six hours ago, the woman who owns our house called and let me know that there is a very high likelihood that we'll be able to do another lease for a year. So, it looks like we have a place to live and at the moment of her call, that seemed like a great gift and a tremendous relief. Funny how we are able to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory though.

I admit that I have spent a good chunk of the past week looking for housing and jobs, both here and in Colorado Springs. Carol and I have wanted to move back since we left more than 20 years ago and this looked like the season in our lives that made the most sense. But with the pressure of our housing lifted, Colorado seemed to take a step back. Except our hearts, and particularly Carol's heart, didn't get the memo. I knew she was happy to think about being back near family and close to the mountains, I just didn't realize how much it was getting into her system. She really wants to move "back home," whatever home is. (That is a post for another time, as it would take loads of space.)

So, I'm back to stuck. My kids want the stability of being here with their friends, in their schools, surrounded by familiarity. My wife wants nothing more than to be near her parents and brother and to have some emotional support after a year (and probably a lot more than that) of enormous pressure and responsibility of having to babysit me and make sure we are able to survive, financially and emotionally. She is tired, worn out, and in need of a change of scenery. If you are new to our story, you may not understand the gravity of that statement. I am the one with wanderlust. Carol has always wanted a place to settle in and put down roots. It seems that this is not the plot of ground she had in mind.

While we don't have to decide right now, and perhaps the decision will be made for us--you may have noticed that jobs are not easy to come by these days and a move would require some sort of gainful employment--my wife's needs and desires are important to me and I want desperately to figure this thing out. We'll see what is next, I suppose.

In Need of a Place to Live

Just a quick note today to ask for your prayers and for help in looking for housing. The house we are renting here in Minnesota is probably going to go on the market this summer to pay for the owner's impending long-term care. No way we can buy it, so it looks like we're going to need a place to live. We would like to keep the kids in their schools here so would like something in this specific area. However, if we don't find a place and have to transfer them, we will probably look at Colorado Springs so we can get back to the mountains after twenty years away and also be close to family for the first time in quite a while.

Let me know if you are aware of anything (house, duplex, townhouse, apartment; 3 bedrooms or more and preferably will take our dog) in the St. Anthony, New Brighton, Columbia Heights area.

Thanks.

The God Fantasy

Writing has always come easy to me, so imagine the frustration that accompanies a mental incapacity for putting words on a page (or a screen, which is more accurate in this age) for weeks at a time. I read through these blogs that I write and am amazed that what used to be an idea now and four or five paragraphs fifteen minutes from now has become a several day process. I think of something and wrestle with it and sit down to write and nothing comes out. I put all this out there to say, the entries are pretty few and far between because writing has become difficult and the mental energy that I am able to muster to do any writing really should be channeled toward finishing the thesis that refuses to write itself. But for tonight I am back because something really bizarre came out of my experiences today.

First, the background. I am doing my thesis using Fantasy Theme Analysis as my methodology. Fantasy themes arise in groups when members use narratives (stories) of people in a different setting--not in the here and now--which create a sense of resonance among the group and many/all members begin to share that fantasy (fantasy in the sense of the way something is mentally presented as reality rather than as a lurid dream), creating a "chain" reaction. Fantasy themes can grow and connect with other themes to create a type. Enough people, sharing enough types will cultivate a "rhetorical vision," a shared reality for a large group of people described as a rhetorical community.

Next, the setting. I have, for the past year plus, struggled with anxiety attacks. Trying to write on my thesis this week has been a constant battle of chest pain, shortness of breath, my brain racing and struggling to focus and general despair. That said, I finally handed in a few pages of writing/research and that is something of an accomplishment, I suppose. Today, we had extra kids and extra activity in our house and I have an ill wife. Also, as I wrote a few entries back, I seem to have a heightened acuity to sensory stimuli...touch, feel, and especially noise. It is as if I can "feel" the noise on and in my body. So by mid-afternoon I was going crazy and decided to get out of the house and go to a coffee shop and try to study and write there. I spent two hours of intense concentration on fantasy themes. And then, since Carol is sick and probably won't be going out tomorrow and because there will be less chaos at home and thus a better opportunity to write here (at the house) tomorrow, I went to the Saturday evening service at Woodland Hills. So, there is the subtext of this plot: lots of iced tea, focus (as much as is possible) on fantasy themes, and moving into a scene of group worship.

The group that led worship tonight is one that has been a consistent struggle for me to find an attachment, any sense of oneness in worship. I started out a year ago thinking, "Aren't they fake!" In the year that has passed, God and Greg have helped me change that thinking. It is not my place to pass that sort of judgment and there is a very high likelihood that they are not fake, but simply a little difficult for me to connect to stylistically.

Understanding these things, and with my brain filled with fantasy theme stuff, I found myself (consciously) doing Fantasy Theme Analysis on the fly during the music part of the service. See, the theme that seemed to be coming from the front was a theme of "expressive worship" and those in the lead were doing everything they could, using verbal and nonverbal means, to bring those in the auditorium along with them to a place of resonance with this theme. Again, I am not trying to judge motive, just making a communication based observation that I would never have noticed before. I admit that this line of thought created a bit of an "existential crisis" for me. What if "faith" is nothing more than a series of fantasy themes (expressive worship, social ministry, contemplation and liturgy, etc.) chaining out and creating fantasy types (charismatic, mainline, denominational, non-denominational, etc.) until a rhetorical community (Christians) is formed around a rhetorical vision (God). What if the entirety of our faith is nothing more than a simple act of easily critiqued and analyzed communication? I am freaked out.

The only answer I can provide for myself at this stage is the most basic answer, one that sounds like circular reasoning, but it goes something like this: the only answer to a faith that is nothing more than a rhetorical construct is...faith. If I believe that behind all of these fantasy themes and types is a genuine God who really is worthy of our worship and devotion, who really has the power to create worlds and renovate lives, then God as rhetorical vision is only part of the equation. Not sure how to make sense of all this exactly, but it is what is racing through my seriously furious (not angry) mind right now. Any thoughts?