For most of my life my parents, my teachers, my friends, my wife have been telling me I have a lot to offer, that I bring many skills to the game, that I am filled with potential. I am now 44 and am resigned to the fact that they are all wrong. I am halfway through a race in which I have no chance at winning. Well, probably more than halfway as I don't see any way that I live to 88, but you get my meaning. There is no way I will ever make a living, provide for my family, or make a lasting and positive impact on anyone or anything. I am, to borrow a phrase from my brother-in-law, a waste of skin.
I have applied for numerous jobs in the past few months. Not only do I not get the jobs, nor the interviews, I don't even get the letter, the call or the email telling me that I didn't get the job. I have tried getting hired doing jobs that require no education like working in a bookstore or opening the door and admitting people at the YMCA and still get no response. I guess that is common in today's economy so if that were the only problem, I might be able to handle it. But because I feel the need to do something, to get out of the house and be productive somehow, I put out some feelers for doing volunteer work...and was REJECTED! Yes, that is correct folks: I am not even qualified to volunteer.
So I am middle aged, unskilled and undesirable. I am a burden on my wife, my kids, my parents, the friends I have left and there is nothing to indicate that it is ever going to get better.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Paging Dr. House
SPOILER ALERT!!
I watched the two-hour season premiere of House last night, in which our anti-hero was locked up in an asylum trying to get himself together. It was an episode that hit really close to home. Not so much while he was institutionalized, as House did everything he could to sabotage himself and others, but more when he was leaving. There is a moment of hesitation when the camera shot is close-up on House's face. There is fear and uncertainty there. That is what hit me. Dealing with the first obvious symptoms of mental health issues--for me it was the first anxiety attack--is terrifying. Going through a mental disorder like depression and general anxiety is overwhelming and lonely. However, the prospect of being declared "well" and being sent back into the world to try to work and function is as scary as hell itself. Failure to handle one's problems at home alone is embarrassing enough, but what happens if the meltdowns occur again while working? What if I can't make it in the real world and end up a mental and emotional invalid, burdening my wife, my kids and our families until the day I die? What if there really is no "well," and this is who I am. Will the pressures of life reveal that more vividly when I try to go back to "normal"?
I find myself torn between my desire to overcome my fears and face down my demons and the enticing desire to hide in my house, to find some sort of work that isolates me and allows me to work from the computer in my recliner. Like House, I peer out at the future and its possibilities and I have a glimmer of hope wrapped up in a cloud of anxiety. What's next? I only wish I knew.
I watched the two-hour season premiere of House last night, in which our anti-hero was locked up in an asylum trying to get himself together. It was an episode that hit really close to home. Not so much while he was institutionalized, as House did everything he could to sabotage himself and others, but more when he was leaving. There is a moment of hesitation when the camera shot is close-up on House's face. There is fear and uncertainty there. That is what hit me. Dealing with the first obvious symptoms of mental health issues--for me it was the first anxiety attack--is terrifying. Going through a mental disorder like depression and general anxiety is overwhelming and lonely. However, the prospect of being declared "well" and being sent back into the world to try to work and function is as scary as hell itself. Failure to handle one's problems at home alone is embarrassing enough, but what happens if the meltdowns occur again while working? What if I can't make it in the real world and end up a mental and emotional invalid, burdening my wife, my kids and our families until the day I die? What if there really is no "well," and this is who I am. Will the pressures of life reveal that more vividly when I try to go back to "normal"?
I find myself torn between my desire to overcome my fears and face down my demons and the enticing desire to hide in my house, to find some sort of work that isolates me and allows me to work from the computer in my recliner. Like House, I peer out at the future and its possibilities and I have a glimmer of hope wrapped up in a cloud of anxiety. What's next? I only wish I knew.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Done and Doing
I'm about ten days out from having successfully defended my Master's thesis. I honestly did not think it would ever happen as I was pretty sure if I ever finished the text there was no way they would ever approve it. But I passed, and it was really a lot of fun. The defense with my committee was encouraging and invigorating--I really enjoyed the meeting. Go figure.
So, now I'm home in Colorado (wow, that never gets old!) and trying to discern the next step in the journey of the rest of my life. Here is what I know: I haven't got a bloody clue!!!! I really want to teach, but am unsure as to the best path toward teaching. College? That would be fantastic but at the moment seems unrealistic since there aren't a lot of communication courses offered in the area community colleges. High school? I could live with that but will have to do some extra steps to get there and am not sure how long that will take. Non-profit? I have applied to some and am supposedly still a candidate for one position but it doesn't energize me like teaching does. I just don't feel any closer to an answer than I was a year ago or two years ago. And the beat goes on.
On the church front, we have settled--at least for a season--at Mountain Community Mennonite Church in Palmer Lake. Way outside my realm of experience but it really meshes with where I am internally at this point in my life. I can be present with the group without serious chest pain and anxiety attacks which is a huge bonus. The kids enjoy it and Carol is working to figure out her feelings about it. My friend Art, back in Minnesota, wanted me to convert the church where I was pastor to a "peace church," and I let him know that was not possible. Now, however, I am a part of a peace church that is focused like a laser beam on reconciliation.
I think the most difficult thing in life right now (outside of having no money and no prospects) is the realization that people see me as broken or that they don't understand why I can't just "snap out of it" and get on with life: Finish the thesis! Get a job! Act like an adult! Man up! And to them I say, "I wish it was that easy." I don't understand why I get paralyzed and afraid. I don't know how to get beyond the anxiety and move forward with my life. I really wish I did. Still, there is a level of shame when I have to face those to whom I am intricately connected and know that they think I am dogging it and that I could do better if I would just try. Believe me, I'm trying. Sometimes the trying just about kills me. Maybe a time is coming when it gets better--in fact, right now may be better than a while back was--but I can't predict it and I'm not sure I can control it. Sorry.
So I continue to plod forward with the occasional--or maybe regular--detour. I'm terrified but holding onto a glimmer of hope that better times are ahead. It is the best I have to offer right now.
So, now I'm home in Colorado (wow, that never gets old!) and trying to discern the next step in the journey of the rest of my life. Here is what I know: I haven't got a bloody clue!!!! I really want to teach, but am unsure as to the best path toward teaching. College? That would be fantastic but at the moment seems unrealistic since there aren't a lot of communication courses offered in the area community colleges. High school? I could live with that but will have to do some extra steps to get there and am not sure how long that will take. Non-profit? I have applied to some and am supposedly still a candidate for one position but it doesn't energize me like teaching does. I just don't feel any closer to an answer than I was a year ago or two years ago. And the beat goes on.
On the church front, we have settled--at least for a season--at Mountain Community Mennonite Church in Palmer Lake. Way outside my realm of experience but it really meshes with where I am internally at this point in my life. I can be present with the group without serious chest pain and anxiety attacks which is a huge bonus. The kids enjoy it and Carol is working to figure out her feelings about it. My friend Art, back in Minnesota, wanted me to convert the church where I was pastor to a "peace church," and I let him know that was not possible. Now, however, I am a part of a peace church that is focused like a laser beam on reconciliation.
I think the most difficult thing in life right now (outside of having no money and no prospects) is the realization that people see me as broken or that they don't understand why I can't just "snap out of it" and get on with life: Finish the thesis! Get a job! Act like an adult! Man up! And to them I say, "I wish it was that easy." I don't understand why I get paralyzed and afraid. I don't know how to get beyond the anxiety and move forward with my life. I really wish I did. Still, there is a level of shame when I have to face those to whom I am intricately connected and know that they think I am dogging it and that I could do better if I would just try. Believe me, I'm trying. Sometimes the trying just about kills me. Maybe a time is coming when it gets better--in fact, right now may be better than a while back was--but I can't predict it and I'm not sure I can control it. Sorry.
So I continue to plod forward with the occasional--or maybe regular--detour. I'm terrified but holding onto a glimmer of hope that better times are ahead. It is the best I have to offer right now.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Unpacking and Repacking
I pretty much took the summer off from the old blog. I felt guilty about writing here when it was such a struggle to write on my thesis. Now the writing part of the thesis is done and I am just editing while I wait to defend. So I thought I would put something up here today to get back in the habit.
My daughter Aimee is a wonder. She is encouraging and caring. She never lacks for friends, as people just love to be around her. I am amazed at the beautiful person she is. One little quirk she has is that when she needs to clean her room, she can't just straighten things up. She has to take everything out and pile it in the middle of the floor and kind of reassemble the whole thing. I think I am long overdue to learn a lesson from her.
My life is a lot like Aimee's room. Lots of clutter as I collect junk and can't seem to let things go. When I really need something, I dig around inside and usually can't find it. So, I'm trying to deal with the stresses of life, be they large or small, and I just simply can't find the resources. In fact, I can't even seem to find the mental or emotional floor, there is so much clutter.
I think it is time for me to take everything out and start over, reassembling the whole room. Not only do I not know how to deal with the stresses of life, I can't even figure out who I am or what I stand for. I'm 44 years old, grew up in a Christian home, have been a pastor, and quite frankly, I'm not even sure what I believe about God these days. A while back, Greg Boyd talked to me about how he came to a point where he had to take a season and sort out everything he had always believed about God and decide what to keep and what to discard until he got to the essential core. It was at that point that he found some level of liberation. I think I have come to that place in my life.
For the past couple of years, through two therapists and a psychiatrist who have pushed me to do hard business with God, I have managed to keep the issue pushed below the surface but it simply cannot continue this way. I have to go home and find a way to figure out who God is and where I stand before him. It won't wait and I won't get better until it happens.
My daughter Aimee is a wonder. She is encouraging and caring. She never lacks for friends, as people just love to be around her. I am amazed at the beautiful person she is. One little quirk she has is that when she needs to clean her room, she can't just straighten things up. She has to take everything out and pile it in the middle of the floor and kind of reassemble the whole thing. I think I am long overdue to learn a lesson from her.
My life is a lot like Aimee's room. Lots of clutter as I collect junk and can't seem to let things go. When I really need something, I dig around inside and usually can't find it. So, I'm trying to deal with the stresses of life, be they large or small, and I just simply can't find the resources. In fact, I can't even seem to find the mental or emotional floor, there is so much clutter.
I think it is time for me to take everything out and start over, reassembling the whole room. Not only do I not know how to deal with the stresses of life, I can't even figure out who I am or what I stand for. I'm 44 years old, grew up in a Christian home, have been a pastor, and quite frankly, I'm not even sure what I believe about God these days. A while back, Greg Boyd talked to me about how he came to a point where he had to take a season and sort out everything he had always believed about God and decide what to keep and what to discard until he got to the essential core. It was at that point that he found some level of liberation. I think I have come to that place in my life.
For the past couple of years, through two therapists and a psychiatrist who have pushed me to do hard business with God, I have managed to keep the issue pushed below the surface but it simply cannot continue this way. I have to go home and find a way to figure out who God is and where I stand before him. It won't wait and I won't get better until it happens.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
